PW Expertise Sample Evaluation: Manuscript
Manuscript
Title: The Cathedral Conspiracy
Author: Phillip Q. Graham
Genre: Fiction/ Mystery/ Thriller
Audience: Adult
Wordcount: 86,789
Overview:
In Graham’s uneven thriller, obese super sleuth, collector of antique silver, and narrator Dominick Paperwhite is roused from his lethargy by a visit from old friend NYC homicide detective Nancy DeGrasso, who requests he assist her in solving a horrific homicide that occurred at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Paperwhite agrees, and their investigation—of a murdered, dismembered priest—plunges the two into a overly complicated conspiracy involving a secret order of mercenary nuns, a vicious contract killer known only as The Ombudsmen, a terrorist cell operating out of DUMBO, and the NSA, the repercussions of which reach as high as the Vatican. To make matters worse, Paperwhite’s gout is acting up, his niece goes missing at an amusement park in Queens, and the gem of his silver collection—an 18th century cow creamer—is stolen. With several nuns hot on his trail and his life hanging in the balance, Paperwhite must face his lifelong fear of flying and travel to Italy for a final confrontation with The Ombudsmen and Pope Benedict XVI.
Project Strenghts:
1. The narrative voice—that of Dominick Paperwhite—the author uses to tell his tale is consistent, engaging, and thoroughly entertaining. Readers will find it easy to identify with and root for the troubled protagonist—and much of this is due to the easy going but gruff, self-deprecating but capable voice the author gives Paperwhite.
2. The rat-a-tat rhythm of the prose is delightful to read. The short, blunt sentences, one-liners, and quips will keep readers turning the pages. Additionally, descriptions are effective, spare, and powerful; the author creates vivid scenes throughout; and the dialog is believable, appropriate, and well rendered.
3. The manuscript’s lightning quick pacing will definitely appeal to fans of the genre. Despite the often-confusing plot (see below), the author keeps his characters and the story moving forward from start to finish. At times—those with clearer plotting—readers will have trouble putting the manuscript down.
Areas for Improvement:
1. The manuscript’s plot—particularly the conspiracy that Paperwhite must overcome—is convoluted and far too elaborate. At times, readers will find it impossible to follow the action of the book or keep track of the many players, schemes, double-crosses, double agents, etc. While the author is justified in holding back certain information to maintain suspense and mystery, he has withheld far too much here, leaving readers at best confused and at worst annoyed by the book’s almost infinite and incomprehensible twists and turns. At times, it seems as if the author has simply thrown in every possible plot device common to the genre—terrorists, religious conspiracies, rogue government agencies, sadistic killers, etc. The effect is to make the story derivative and needlessly difficult to follow. It would be advisable for the author to rethink the entire conspiracy that is at the manuscript’s heart, and to make it unique and more straightforward. All the elements of a thrilling mystery are here, they just need to be sorted from the unnecessary/cliché elements (the rogue NSA agent, the mercenary nuns, the protagonist’s fear of flying, for example, and to name just a few) and reworked for clarity.
2. Both Paperwhite and DeGrasso but could use additional characterization. While Paperwhite is relatively well rendered, some of his attributes (his obesity, silver collection, and fear of flying) don’t ring true—readers will likely feel that the author is trying too hard to create a “unique” or “quirky” protagonist. These elements should be replaced or refined. DeGrasso also feels like a bit of a caricature—the tough, female cop—and the details of her life (divorce, single parenthood, alcohol problem) are cliché at best. Additionally, the relationship between Paperwhite and DeGrasso is never clear. The author tells readers that they are good friends, but there is scant evidence of the depth of their friendship throughout. At times, they seem more like coworkers then friends.
The book’s villains prove even more problematic. They are almost entirely cliché and caricatured: the rogue agent, the evil murderer, etc. There is little or no effort made at making them believable or well rounded. Additionally, their motivations are never explained—they simply do evil because they are evil. Readers will want fully formed antagonists to root against—not cardboard cutouts. Additionally, the introduction of Pope Benedict XVI as a loose cannon determined to bring down the Roman Catholic Church is ridiculous at best. And, one has to wonder if the author could have named his villain something more threatening than The Ombudsmen.
3. Many of the problems that Paperwhite faces are resolved not through his sleuthing (see item 4 below) or DeGrasso’s heroics, but through contrived coincidences, luck, or random events. For example: a mercenary nun’s rifle jams, allowing Paperwhite to escape death; DeGrasso’s nanny just happens to have an uncle who works for the FBI; The Ombudsmen lays a complex plot to snare Paperwhite, but his scheme is undone when he accidently (and unbelievably) takes the express A Train instead of the local C Train; Paperwhite isn’t home when his apartment is firebombed because he got a hot tip about an antique silver spoon; etc. These sorts of coincidences occur throughout—and such contrivances will work only to take readers out of the story. Additionally, the ending of the book—while opening up the door for a sequel—doesn’t ring true: the villains are defeated far too easily and all the loose ends are wrapped up too neatly and quickly. The author needs to restructure the plot (see item 1 above) in a way that allows for the solution of the crime to feel organic, real, and earned.
4. Readers are told that Paperwhite is a super sleuth, but it is never really made clear how he solves his cases—aside from dumb luck (see item 3 above). In fact, readers will struggle to determine how the protagonist conducts his detective work or why he would be an asset to the NYPD. Unlike the deductive reasoning of Sherlock Holmes or the psychological analysis of Hercule Poirot, Paperwhite lacks method—and, for mystery fans, failing to provide the hero with a signature detection style is an almost unforgivable sin. The author needs to eliminate the book’s many coincidence (see item 3 above) and create a unique and realistic method of detection through which Paperwhite can crack the case.
5. The manuscript is riddled with grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. Additionally there are numerous typos. While this is still a draft, it could greatly benefit from the services of a good copyeditor.
Market Considerations:
In the currently saturated market for thrillers/mysteries, The Cathedral Conspiracy will have trouble standing out from the crowd. Both the protagonist and the convoluted conspiracy he must unravel feel derivative. Readers will surely be reminded of the work of authors like Dan Brown and Steve Berry, as well as the television show Monk. While the basic elements of a compelling thriller are in place, the author must work harder to make his characters unique and his criminal conspiracy both clear and, more importantly, original. Check out THIS LINK for PW's Mystery/Detective bestseller list and THIS LINK for PW's Fall Book Announcements: Mysteries & Thrillers.
Rankings:
Plot/Idea: 2 out of 5 Stars
Originality: 1 out of 5 Stars
Prose: 3 out of 5 Stars
Character Development: 2 out of 5 Stars
Overall: 2 out of 5 Stars
Report Submitted: 08/04/2014
This PW Expertise Manuscript assessment is intended for the author’s personal use only, not for publication or for use in book blurbs or promotional materials of any kind, whether on line or in print. This assessment is not a Publishers Weekly review.
