Enter the Empty Void

Religion is something that is iffy for me. Unfortunately it's not been the greatest. I've turned to God in the past and have lost a massive amount of faith. I have it from time to time. The problem with me is that I've always viewed "love" to be my religion. You've no idea the pedestal that I put the term "love" on. It's the most important thing to me, and it outweighs any form of religion and shall continue to do so till the end of my days.

God has always had a weakness. One single weakness that I've discovered and He has been conquered by it. God's weakness is Love. In my warp and twisted views. I am but a mortal. If God could not conquer Love how should I expect myself to? All I can do is follow in His footsteps and submit to it, embrace it, fear it, understand it. Never conquer it, but become one with it.

I am a hopeless romantic. Always have been . Always will be. My lovely, lovely soul is the most important thing to me in all the world. Nothing else matters. And with it's absence I am a half, never a whole, hence I am nothing. Understand the truest form of Love and you understand me. One doesn't even have to experience the truest form of Love to know that it exists and the halo'd light that surrounds the dream.

It's an indescribable feeling that is absolute. That is the closest I believe anyone should ever come to defining Love. For Love is undefinable and if I were to ask anyone to define it, if they even form an attempt, they are the fool.

I could never describe how my meek portion of a soul reacts when my Lovely, Lovely Soul is near. I could never explain how I know inside something is meant to be or how I know inside something is so right. No matter the circumstances. No matter the consequences. No matter the anything.

To catch my Lovely, Lovely Soul is the challenge. It seems to flutter from heart to heart. How long it stays in one heart is a variable unknown. The challenge is to know if it's truly there, or a simple tease once present and long removed. Example: At one time in my life... at least one time my Lovely, Lovely Soul became one of my ex-girlfriends. How long it lasted in her I know not. It could have become her for the mere second that it took for my heart to decide to pursue her and then jumped away to be searched for again. The problem is that split second was all it took for me to blind myself with the assumptions that my Lovely, Lovely Soul was still present for years until some extenuating circumstances proved that my Lovely, Lovely Soul was not there at all. It fluttered elsewhere.

The issues are becoming blind, obsessive, compulsive, and depressive, hurt. The torment and torture brews inside of me, by me, for me. I am my own worst enemy and it never fails. I do more damage to myself than anyone could imagine. It's a pain that I'm used to. A pain that shall remain until my heart is shadowed by the glimpse of my Lovely, Lovely Soul and has hopes that this time it has not escaped the net used to capture it. In hopes that this time, it's here to stay. In hopes to realize that "it can't rain all the time".

And alas, My Lovely, Lovely Soul torments me once more, and as circumstances have led I once again find myself, crying on the inside.

Prayer for me causes slight relief, a small pebble off my shoulder whilst the world still rests comfortably. Tis a temporary relief. A band aid for internal bleeding. I am a wanderer in search of one essence. I walk alone. For that is how it needs to be. In the depths of me, I am half full, half empty.

I know you won't understand my mad ramblings however maybe a small insight will clear up some confusion as to why I have fallen and fall still. Completely and utter existence is a dream. I rest in an empty void. Even nightmares stay clear for being completely empty fears even the heartless of creatures. Remember even Lucifer is beautiful in his own way. Even evils have a place to be whole and Love is the only way to cure the foulest sickness.

If she were a bird, then I am a bird. - Nicholas Sparks - The Notebook