Wendys Donuts is not my real name.

After an illustrious career wheeling and dealing in the corporate sector I’ve adopted the alias to keep my whereabouts a secret from my previous employers. So how did I get here?

I started life as an Indian boy growing up in sunny Location Classified. In those years I faced a disconnect between my love for hip-hop and my parents love for my excellence at math and physics. But I was promised a large pot of goodies if I did well so I strived to persevere. It was probably a mistake to amp myself up using Eminem and Red Bull because I’m sure those invigilators weren’t expecting such an aggressive exam taker. But then again they were forty-year-old “legends” invigilating a high school exam, who cares what they think?

For my academic diligence I was rewarded with an invitation from Carnegie Mellon University. They had promised me a life full of parties, babes and computers. I know now that they were 33.33% truthful. After I’d been convinced by seemingly all of my peers that if I couldn’t reach the net then I wouldn’t make it to the NBA I decided to graciously accept the invitation and learn about the fabulous world of Mechanical Engineering.

Striving to be a titan of industry I took up my first internship with a paint manufacturer. In addition to figuring out how to take comfortable two-hour lunches I was proudly able to develop a new color of paint called Idle Scrumping. I also learnt that only the creepiest of gentlemen work in the operations department and down right goblins work in the packaging department. Word to the wise; never trust paint people.

Upon my return to university I struggled to acquire the remaining 66.67% of the university’s promises. However, between frequent bouts of soul searching and biddee chasing I found the time to put down my joint, graduate and find a job. I could go into details of my time at college but as it turns out most of my time there was mainly a blur of debauchery and exams. In any case, life as a suit had just begun.

After a short time overachieving I was promoted to the role of Business Manager for a capital equipment manufacturer based out of Location Classified. It was a job I took very seriously and I treated our corporate expense account with the greatest care, never opting to use it on a date that wasn’t a sure thing. After a few months of idling around a close competitor got in touch with me and treated me to some triple chocolate espresso cake and a new dessert known as ‘ladies of the night’. It was quite a good treat and to show my appreciation I proudly managed my employer’s business to a speedy close. Not like they had much of a future anyways. Getting treated to another round of my new favorite dessert for my quick work I promptly left the city to take up another position in windy Location Classified.

During these jobs I discovered that I had a talent for stringing together nonsensical jokes into one longer nonsensical joke. It was this talent alone that kept me sane while shooting the breeze with the “lads” in the office. However, at the same time a larger scheme was taking place. As an Account Manager selling banking software I’d been given unprecedented access to things I should not have been given access to. Within just 8 short months me and some fellow opportunists were able to pull off a splendiferous Ocean’s 11 style heist which doubled as a well deserved leaving bonus. Proud of my accomplishments with the firm I speedily retreated to the warm shores of Location Classified to plot my next move.

Before taking up a new role I found myself battling the age-old question of what the hell it is that I should do with my life. Even though my expert skills as a top-notch schemer had afforded me a hefty nest egg, life a suit was just too boring. You can often have a much more exciting time boiling an egg than spending a day at the office with the drones. The boring b#$&@^!* just don’t have any genuinely good jokes. Lets be honest a joke about the choppy nature of the Oracle stock price isn’t really a joke, its just a waste of hot air.

I had to seek out some trusted friends to help me sift through the possibilities and give my life some steady direction. After a long and serious discussion with my fraternity brothers and some considerate bottles of scotch I decided to leave the world of wine n’ cheese client entertainment lunches and devote my life to writing nonsense comedy. It was a wise decision since I was excited to leave the dull work of water cooler conversations and team building actives far behind in my rear view mirror. Although if I’m being completely honest I do miss the times I had emptying out corporate expense accounts on two continents while amassing a mountain of blueberry cheesecake and dark rum. Life as a suit had just ended. And I’m sure the drones miss me dearly.

Putting my mind to the task and consulting with some wise pints of beer I have been able to put together a treasure trove of timeless tales to entertain folks with. From initial reviews I have been told that the tales belong in the sacred space reserved for the zaniest of stories and my next scheme is to present them to the world at large. The stories I write are based 40% on undoubtedly false events, 50% on objectionably true events and 10% on my many adventures with wild elves. Take a step forward, dip your toes in the pool of ridiculousness and come get your giggle on.